World Record Holder

Another busy week has come and gone and while I am feeling pretty well I am still trying to determine if I have somehow contracted laryngitis. While I am not exhibiting most of the symptoms associated with laryngitis, at least not in any significant degree, I have progressively started to lose my voice over the past couple of days. I’ve taken to drinking hot tea in order to soothe my throat and ease my ability to talk, at least for the three or four minutes after I finish a cup. This has allowed me to confirm a conclusion that I came to long ago, people who say they enjoy drinking hot tea are either lying or have lost all sense of taste. Seriously, this stuff is disgusting; you have to put 27 sugar packets into a single coffee mug just to make it palatable.

On a side note, I was sorely tempted to contact the Guinness Book of World Records earlier this week as I am quite confident that I had broken one. Seriously. I’ve had quite a bit of sinus congestion each morning this week immediately after waking up, however, a hot shower and blowing my nose a few times has been enough to clear it up. This is the type of congestion you want to have if you have to have congestion; it is a very cohesive form of mucus. Tuesday morning I was performing my ritual clearing of the sinuses routine in the shower when I stopped dead, I was holding in my hand one of the largest globules of mucus I had ever seen; and I’ve worked around kids most of my life in addition to having two of my own so that is really saying something. This thing was approximately the size of a small cat. I’m still not entirely certain how this was stored in my head, much less how I squeezed it through my nose. It would be one of those weird Guinness records, but I think I’d be ok with being known as the guy who holds the record for the world’s largest booger. Sadly I passed up on the opportunity and as I watched as the water slowly wash the globule off of my hand and then spiral down the drain, I couldn’t help but feel as if I was watching a part of my destiny also spiraling down the drain.

This weekend we treated our pastoral family to one of the most family friendly restaurants in the United States, Sam’s Club. Let me be clear, the only reason I consider it family friendly is because you can feed eight people for $16. Well that and there are large open spaces where kids can run around being loud and no one really cares. While we were there we noticed that strawberries were on sale for $1.50 per pound, a price that I’ve only seen better once in my life, nearly 9 years ago; they were $1 per pound then and we bought 24lbs of them then. Of course, that was back when Leslie and I were first married and still closely resembled broke college students. This time we weren’t quite as broke but we are much more responsible adults now… I mean, we have kids, how could we not be. We always have to set the example of all things in moderation. This time we restrained ourselves and only bought 36lbs. We had to think of the children.

Well, it’s 10:30, I’m exhausted and feel like I have clearly missed the one shot I had at fame and possibly fortune. I’m not sure if there is any prize money associate with setting a Guinness World Record, but think of all the sponsorships I could have gotten for being the record holder of “World’s Largest Booger.” I would have had tissue companies lined up outside my door. I would have been the Russell Westbrook of the sinus realm, one of the most polarizing figures in the industry. I would have had some naysayers claiming that it was an amorphous solid and thus classifies as snot, not a booger, but no one would be able to deny the unparalleled level of skill required to shoot said booger from my sinus cavity with enough force to keep it intact. Anyway, enough of that, I’m going to bed.


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